The Pink Betta

My kids had named it Harper. Harper, short for Harpocrates, which was the Greek translation for silence and secrets. In my opinion, Harper wasn’t a very good name for a fish. But, in Harper’s defense, she had become quite the secret keeper. Harper and I spent a lot of our time together in the basement of our house. I would watch her swim around in her little beta fish bowl, with what seemed to be not a thought running through that little brain of hers. Somedays, I would get curious, and think about how beta fish don’t get to have a fulfilling life like us humans do. They don’t fall in love, they don’t have babies who they would give up their whole life for, and they don’t feel guilt when they stop loving the life they always wish they had. Harper has no idea how good she has it. 

As a young girl, I had always wanted children. I had the same dream that most young girls did, where I would marry my knight in shining armor and live happily ever after with beautiful children who were made from the love we shared for one another. That was the case, for the 10 years of my marriage to Dan. 

Dan and I met in high school. He was a nerd, yet somehow also a jock, which I liked at the time because he was different than a lot of the other jerks at our school. I was the cool girl, who wanted any attention that I could get. At the time, I fell in love with how much everyone wanted him. Eventually, I fell in love with the more permanent traits that made Dan who he was. Dan had always been kind, caring, sincere, and raw. My mother, for the first time in my life, actually approved of someone that I was seeing. She used to call me at night, claiming she missed me and wanted to know how my life was, but in reality, she was spying on me just to make sure I didn’t mess it up with Dan like I had with the others. I didn’t have the best track record with guys, but, for some reason, Dan stayed. Well, at least then. 

Dan and I got married off the coast of Massachusetts in the middle of October. The day was perfect, and I had the strongest sense that the rest of our lives would follow that trend. I was in white, and he wore a dark blue suit because neither of us loved the idea of a black-and-white wedding. We encouraged our guests to wear bright colors, like pink, purple, yellow, and blue, to help us celebrate the brightness of our future life. I walked down the aisle, with my mom on one arm and my dad on the other, since I was supported my whole life by both of their strength. I held a bright pink bouquet in my arm, that now reminds me of the color of Harper. Funny how those things work. The night of the wedding was spectacular, and Dan and I were more in love than ever before. We went home, together, that night, to our new apartment. We had waited to stay there together until after the wedding, to signify our new life as one. 

9 months later, Elliot, our beautiful, beautiful son arrived. Elliot, since his first day on this earth, has been my pride and joy. The day he was born I held him, tight against my bare skin. The room was full of nurses, staff, and doctors waiting to get their hands on my little boy, but it did not matter. My life was complete. Dan was caressing my head, with his other hand wrapped around our new baby boy. Elliot opened his bright blue eyes for the first time, and all of a sudden, my life made sense. 

I thought that was as good as it got, until Sadie. Just 12 months after Elliot made his way into the world, Dan and I were blessed with our lovely darling baby girl. Sadie, who showed us who she was from the second she was born, was full of life. She was spunky, full of sass, and made me love life more than I thought was ever possible. 

When Sadie turned 8, she asked for a pet fish for her birthday. A pink one, to be exact. I figured this would be an easy task, as beta fish come in every shape, size, and color. Elliot, who had always been interested in doing whatever his sister was doing, made it clear that if Sadie got a fish, he should be able to help take care of it, too. 

“Fine by me,” I thought to myself, realizing that this meant even less work for me. 

So, we got a fish. Little did I know, that finding that fish would give me more pain than childbirth did. After five pet stores, ten phone calls, and a trip to New Jersey, I finally found a pink beta fish. You might think that it’s silly to do so much for an 8-year-old, but nothing meant more to me than seeing my children happy. I brought the fish home, and Sadie’s eyes lit up with joy. That was one of the special moments in my life that I felt complete. Elliot raced into the kitchen, grabbing water, towels, and a box of Cheese-itz to feed the new fish. I forgot that 8 and 9-year-olds don’t know how to take care of a fish. I realized that leaving this poor animal alone with these small humans could be catastrophic, so, the fish went to the basement, where the kids played each day, and where I watched Ellen every afternoon at 3:00. This fish, which Sadie named Harper, sat in the basement for all of us to admire and take care of. 

The months went on, and life stayed pretty much the same. Harper was happy, I had two beautiful children, and a husband to hold me every single night. One September night, around 8:00, I sat in the basement and decided to pull out our wedding album. The album had been collecting dust the last few years, as the memories of that day kept me enough company. I decided to take a look through and reminisce about the day that my life had changed, for the better. 

I lifted the binder up onto the coffee table, but before I could skim through, I noticed that Dan’s phone was sitting on the coffee table in front of me, right next to Harper’s tank. He had left for the driving range to meet his buddies like he does every Tuesday. I reached for his phone, thinking about how to get it to him if he didn’t even know that it was gone. I picked it up and watched as the screen turned on. A message notification from “Betty” popped up.

“Who was Betty?” I thought to myself. After all these years of marriage, I knew all of Dan’s coworkers, friends, and family, and I had never met a Betty before. 

I clicked on the notification and entered Dan’s password. A screen popped up that brought me to a chat platform, between my husband, and Betty. I was confused, but trying not to jump to conclusions.

“Maybe this is a new thing he’s doing for work,” I thought. 

Before I could get another thought into my brain, Betty began typing again. 

“I was wondering what time you wanted to chat tonight Danny :), ” the message said. 

My heart dropped. Who is this? What is this? How is this happening? Dan and I had never kept secrets from each other. We knew the ins and outs of each other's lives and shared everything together. 

Rage, fear, sadness, and confusion raced through my body. 

“This can’t be happening. Maybe he was hacked. Maybe his friends are playing a prank on him,” I thought to myself. I grasped onto any chance I had that this was all a mistake, or a bad, bad dream. 

I popped out of the Betty chat, trying to figure out what the hell this platform was. I was praying it was spam or something. I scrolled through the pink screen and found a list of at least 50 more names, followed by chats that they had started with my husband. Veronica wanted to know when she could see “Danny Boy” next and Francesca was typing about some meet-up that they had been planning for months. I felt like I was going to vomit. 

My perfect, perfect little life was a joke. Dan was not the Dan that I thought I knew. Our children, who we made from our love, felt like accomplices to this fake life that we had created. 

I began to think about our lives and all of the things that I believed to be true. Dan stays late at “work,” Dan goes on trips to make connections that would “help our family financially,” and Dan keeps his phone face down on the nightstand every night so that the “screen won't wake me up since I’m a light sleeper.” All of it was a lie. 

An immense feeling of hurt washed over my body. I thought about my mother, telling me how good I had it with Dan. I thought about the trust I placed in him, and choosing to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought about him holding our son’s head after I gave birth, wishing to stay in that moment forever. Every good thing in my life felt like a lie. 

At that moment, I felt as if I had one option. I could get in my car, right now, and hunt down that lying, cheating, terrible man. But, that didn’t feel right. Screaming, crying, and throwing a fit would be even more embarrassing than getting cheated on by your husband of 10 years. The last thing I wanted was for more people to know how naive I was. So, I sat, face in my hands, and thought. 

Messages kept popping up, left and right, on Dan’s phone. Libby, Avery, Kendall, and Suzie were all begging for my husband. I stuck the phone under the couch, in hopes of making the women stop. 

The messages kept coming, and I began to wonder how I had never realized any of this was happening. My brain was numb, as if it had been stuck in a freezing cold ocean for far too long. My body hurt, physically, and all I wanted was for him to feel the same pain I was. That’s when it came to me. Not a single one of these women was going to hurt him. They were probably just as desperate as my husband appeared to be. If I wanted this man to feel pain, I needed to show him exactly what he did to me. 

I pulled out my laptop and set it on the table in front of me. The kids never came down here anymore, as they had grown out of their playroom and no longer cared about Harper’s well-being. 

The only light in the room was coming from the glow-in-the-dark starfish figure that sat in Harper’s fish bowl. I opened the laptop, and the screen lit up my face. I quickly turned down the brightness, as if anyone in my house could see through the locked door that stood at the top of the basement stairs. 

I slowly navigated the mouse to the Google Chrome browser on the bottom left of the screen. The wallpaper of the laptop had always been a picture of Me, Dan, and the kids. I did everything I could to hide that as soon as possible. Google Chrome came to the rescue, and I no longer had to look at the faces of my children, and the man who didn’t know how bad he hurt me. 

Before I could begin to think about Dan again, I led the mouse to the search bar. I quickly typed in the dating profile web address and was brought into a whole different world. For the first time in my life, I didn’t question a decision I was making. I guided the mouse over to the “start a chat” button. My new name was Lindsey, I was 24 years old, and I was about to ruin the ego of the narcissistic man that I used to know as my husband. 

That first message was the start of something new in my life. I had never been the petty type and had never felt the need for revenge, until now. I became addicted to the thought of ruining him, and everything he had once been. He was no longer my Dan. He was a man, who had taken from me the most important thing: my love for life. 

Days went on, and each night I would sneak off to the basement while Dan went off to do whatever he claimed to be doping that day. Lindsey told Dan about her hopes and dreams. She wanted to be a dancer one day, so she could use her talents for good. She liked fishing, cooking, and being basically anything Dan wanted. Dan fell for it faster than I could have ever imagined. Lindsey would harass him with messages, asking him to call her and to come see her. Dan became infatuated with this fictional character I had made up, just like how infatuated he was with me all those years ago. 

Months came and went, and I, sorry, I mean Lindsey, had Dan wrapped around her finger. My life became fulfilled when I thought about the idea that I had the power, at any moment, to break Dan’s feeble little heart into a million pieces. I had the power to ruin him. To show him how wrong his actions were. 

Each night, Harper and I sat face to face, at the coffee table. I began to think about how intuitive Sadie was to name her Harper. Elliot had been learning about Greek Gods and Goddesses that week in school, and was quick to offer the name suggestion to Sadie when it came time to choose what this little fish would be called. Turns out, it was pretty fitting. Harper really was a good secret keeper after all. It felt nice to know that someone, or something, no matter how small its brain was, had my back. I would sometimes think about my old life, and how I thought I was happy then. Was I ever really happy, if everything was a lie? I had a nice house, filled with fake love and a fake family. My kids were the product of lies, and my husband didn’t love me. I was happier, somehow, alone, in my basement, with this pink beta fish to tell my dirty secrets to. 

To my surprise, the next evening, Dan actually decided that his family was important, and came home before 2:00 in the morning. And, he came with a surprise for the kids. He told me that he had felt awful about all of his recent “work trips,” and wanted to make it up to them in some way. I held back a laugh when he came up with that excuse. The kids were pleased, as a new pet always brings momentary joy, but I wondered if he got his side hustles a fish too for when he has to come spend time with his wife and children. 

When the kids fell asleep that night, I had Dan follow me into the basement to put his little blue fish, which the kids had named Henry, in the vase that he brought home to keep it in. I knew that Beta fish did not get along, and putting two fish in one tank always led to an absolute bloodbath. So, I decided to see if Harper really had my back as much as I thought. I grabbed Henry out of Dan’s hands and held him over Harper’s tank. Before I dropped the fish, I looked up at Dan, realizing this was the last second of our marriage being normal, well at least from the outside. 

“What are you doing, those things are gonna kill each other,” Dan said.

Without a second thought, Henry was out of my hands and his fate was now being left to Harper, who immediately went for blood.

“Wow, seems like the woman always has the upper hand, even in a fish tank,” I muttered under my breath. 

“What the hell is wrong with you? What did you just say?” Dan said as he snapped his head in my direction, away from the bloody fish tank. 

“Oh nothing,” I began. “I guess that a woman always knows how to handle men when they’re out of line.” 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Dan questioned. 

“Did you get Lindsey a fish, too?” I asked.

His face turned bright red. He knew this was the end of all of his lies. 

“I’m gonna ask you one more time. What the hell do you think you are talking about?” Dan said. 

“The game’s over Dan,” I began with a slight smirk on my face. 

I looked over to the fish tank, which was sitting on the coffee table to my left. There were no remnants of Dan’s fish, other than the blood that Harper had released into the water when she was done with her prey. As much as I wished I could finish him, the same way that Harper finished Henry, I knew that would only give him the upper hand. Harper took the violent route for me, so I didn’t have to. 

“I know about all of your sidepieces. The joke’s over. I want you out of my house. I want you away from my children. I never want you to tell a single person about any of this. You took away my happiness, and I am not going to let you take away my pride,” I stated.

Dan turned away from me without a fight. I was shocked. As he turned his back to me and headed up the stairs, I realized I had one last thing to say.

“Oh, and I wouldn’t expect you to hear anything else from Lindsey in the future, she and I are pretty tight,” I said. 

Without a glance back, he was gone. I heard the front door slam, his old grey truck start, and his tires screeching out of the driveway. I turned back to Harper, who was staring at me with what seemed to be pride in her small little fish eyes. 

“This can be our little secret still,” I said.